Alzheimer's letters
Alzheimer's Disease
April 2014
Recently friends have asked me about Ray. Three years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and her response was that she didn’t want anyone to know. She was afraid that her friends would reject her and I failed to convince her that this is not true. Today, she is aware that her speech has deteriorated so much that anyone who talks to her knows that she has a problem. She has been an inspiration to us and I know that many are concerned about her. I don’t recall who I have discussed her situation with and am taking this opportunity to share her situation with her friends.
Alzheimer’s is a disease that neither of us wanted but we are accepting. Ray has lived a good life and is willing to share her situation to help others. She has been involved with the community and I am pleased with the support we have received. This support includes having family that lives close by and helps with needed activities. It also includes having our church friends, her retired school teacher friends, neighbors, high school classmates, Scientech Club members, Alzheimer’s support group members and many other friends.
Ray is an extrovert and always enjoyed being around people. She was a dedicated kindergarten teacher and I would like nothing better than to have her to continue teaching, but she no longer has the skills. She often talks about children, lives for the children, and frequently seeks out the children in a grocery store. She often asks “Is someone coming over tonight?” and my response is often that the family is working and can’t come over tonight. She would love to have visitors and I am open to this, but she might not recognize them. She knows that her thinking is not right and is discouraged that she can’t do the things she used to do. She often asks if she can assist me, but I have trouble thinking of appropriate tasks and would welcome ideas to keep her busy. She is not giving up and I admire her for that.
We have established a routine for each day. I find something almost every day that she could do yesterday but can’t do today. This is heartbreaking, but I am ecstatic when she can do something today that she couldn’t do yesterday. There are days in which she doesn’t recall which drawer the forks go in, doesn’t recognize where the clothes go after she has washed them, moves papers around the house and doesn’t remember where she placed them; this includes keys, wallets, and purses, not always hers. I am often challenged trying to understand her speech. Making decisions are difficult for her and it never occurred to me how important logic and thinking are in making decisions.
We enjoy laughing at each other’s silly jokes which has brought our hearts even closer. She shares more than she ever shared before. She discusses her life and is scared. I tell her that there is nothing to be scared about but the only remedy is to give her another hug. She wants me to take care of her, but friends are telling me that she is getting to the point that changes may need to be made.
Her problems seem insignificant when compared to some of the situations that members of the Alzheimer’s Support Group are facing. I appreciate them sharing how they are addressing their difficult problems. The day may come when I can’t take care of Ray and will have to make changes. I know that I am not alone and their sharing these difficult problems will provide me valuable insights in making difficult decisions.
Others may be facing similar situations. I am willing to share our experiences and am open to suggestions that may help us. Addressing these issues with others helps us recognize that we are not alone.
I recall a philosopher, Ram Das, who had a stormy relationship with his father. His father became ill and he took care of him for the last 10 years of his life. He enjoyed it and I had trouble understanding this. This is an unexpected experience and am not bitter but glad that I can help. That may be a step in my growth and helping me understand Ram Das.
Ray is coming again to serve me another dish of ice cream. She never quits giving. What can I do? Enjoy the ice cream and go back to the grocery.
Kent Sharp
October 6, 2014
Ray, you have always lived your life helping others. You taught in the public schools and loved every minute of it. You continued teaching in retirement at New Britton by volunteering to teach English to students that are new to our country and didn’t know English. Teaching and story-telling was your passion.
Four years ago your neurologist diagnosed you as having Alzheimer’s disease and that changed our lives. You continued teaching at New Britton for the remainder of the year but knew that your mental skills were declining to the point that you could no longer teach.
You continued doing tasks in our home that you have always done as a wife. These tasks became more difficult for you and eventually you could no longer do them. I tried to do them, but it didn’t take me long to recognize that I would make a poor wife. You often told me that you would like to help me, but it broke my heart when you tried and could no longer perform these tasks. I always admired you for trying.
We had a wonderful life together, but our lives are changing. I expected to take care of you, but your Alzheimer’s disease is making it difficult if not impossible for me to care for you.
I did my best, but the time has come in which a change should be made. I felt that a nursing home might be the best solution in taking care of you. I visited nine nursing homes and there are many good ones. I selected Riverwalk Village in Noblesville to take care of you.
I have two friends who have relatives in Riverwalk Village. Both of them report that their activities are great. You always wanted to be around children and we never had children in our home. They have many people who used to be children and some of them may still be. You are a social butterfly and need to be around people. I look forward to you becoming my social butterfly again.
Our precious days together have dwindled down to the day that I hoped would never come. Today, I gave you a dish of ice cream and your first act was to give me a spoon-full. You are constantly sharing and I know your heart is in the right place. I will miss that. I will also miss the hugs that we both enjoy. My tears keep flowing, but the pain remains. Even though we may be separated, I know that our hearts will always remain together. God bless you!
Love
Kent
Four years ago your neurologist diagnosed you as having Alzheimer’s disease and that changed our lives. You continued teaching at New Britton for the remainder of the year but knew that your mental skills were declining to the point that you could no longer teach.
You continued doing tasks in our home that you have always done as a wife. These tasks became more difficult for you and eventually you could no longer do them. I tried to do them, but it didn’t take me long to recognize that I would make a poor wife. You often told me that you would like to help me, but it broke my heart when you tried and could no longer perform these tasks. I always admired you for trying.
We had a wonderful life together, but our lives are changing. I expected to take care of you, but your Alzheimer’s disease is making it difficult if not impossible for me to care for you.
I did my best, but the time has come in which a change should be made. I felt that a nursing home might be the best solution in taking care of you. I visited nine nursing homes and there are many good ones. I selected Riverwalk Village in Noblesville to take care of you.
I have two friends who have relatives in Riverwalk Village. Both of them report that their activities are great. You always wanted to be around children and we never had children in our home. They have many people who used to be children and some of them may still be. You are a social butterfly and need to be around people. I look forward to you becoming my social butterfly again.
Our precious days together have dwindled down to the day that I hoped would never come. Today, I gave you a dish of ice cream and your first act was to give me a spoon-full. You are constantly sharing and I know your heart is in the right place. I will miss that. I will also miss the hugs that we both enjoy. My tears keep flowing, but the pain remains. Even though we may be separated, I know that our hearts will always remain together. God bless you!
Love
Kent
April 2015
Each Christmas Ray and I sent out a unique Christmas card that she created. She looked forward to this and she received many favorable comments. Last year we didn’t send one because she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and she couldn’t create the card. I sent a letter describing her situation and received many nice responses. The responses revealed that many wanted to know about Ray and that others have similar situations. I expanded our Christmas card list this year to include her friends who were left off of previous lists and others who may wish to communicate about a difficult situation.
Alzheimer’s disease that destroys the memory of patients and it is destroying Ray’s memory. During the past year, I often observed that there was something that she couldn’t do that she could do the previous day. I treasured the days that I couldn’t detect anything that she couldn’t do the day before. However, I knew that there would be a day when I could no longer take care of her and would have to place her in a nursing home. I visited nine nursing homes near our home and selected Riverwalk Village Nursing Home in Noblesville. I moved her into their Memory Care Unit on October 6.
I try to be with her as often as I can because that is where I want to be. I have learned to make excuses to visit her when there are other things I should be doing. Our relationship is different each time I visit her. She tries to speak, but I seldom understand her. She knows me but rarely calls me by name. I often help her with eating because she doesn’t use the fork or spoon very well. She still wants to share her food with me but it is vegetables and not the ice cream that she used to share. She has trouble standing up and often rocks back and forth in her chair to gain a little altitude on each rock until she can stand up. That is something that she has learned on her own. Maybe there is hope.
Ray spent her life helping others and tries to help the nurses, but doesn’t know how. I cry when I see that she no longer has the skills to help others. She would love to be around children, but I can’t think of a way that is possible. There may be someone who has an idea.
I often expect her to be at my bedside when I get up and miss her when she is not there. I think about bringing her home, but reality sets in when I have to admit to myself that she is not coming home.
Should you want to visit her, the Memory Care Unit is open 24/7. The entrance is on the west side and she is normally in the recreation area of the east wing. Fortunately, I took videos of her and her family during our marriage with the intention of sharing it with her children and grandchildren. But no! I have shown video clips of her to her with the hope of reminding her of our past. Staff members have viewed these videos and they are amazed that the videos that they are seeing of Ray are the same Ray that they see today. I would appreciate it if you would share with the staff the wonderful experiences that you had with her.
Ray had an office in our home and I am sorting through her material. Her office is an office of her dreams and many of them are school dreams. I am uncomfortable in burying these dreams and yet I must because I know that she can no longer realize them. She has shared her dreams with all of us and they are still living in our hearts. Should you want one of her dreams, please let me know and that will be one less dream that I have to burry.
Many have asked me about myself. I am happy but not sure why. I think I it may be because the staff and I are doing our best in a difficult situation. I am using this situation to help me grow. I observe the nursing home patients and realize how fortunate I am to have the skills that remain with me. I treasure the support that I am receiving from many friends like you. This is helping me to grow and provide a direction in my life. I must remain positive since being negative doesn’t do anyone any good. I have used Ken Keyes and his fourth and seventh pathways to help me get through this. You will find them on the internet. I am spending more time in prayer, in meditation and honoring Ray for the good times we had. I look forward to growing and welcome your ideas.
Kent
Alzheimer’s disease that destroys the memory of patients and it is destroying Ray’s memory. During the past year, I often observed that there was something that she couldn’t do that she could do the previous day. I treasured the days that I couldn’t detect anything that she couldn’t do the day before. However, I knew that there would be a day when I could no longer take care of her and would have to place her in a nursing home. I visited nine nursing homes near our home and selected Riverwalk Village Nursing Home in Noblesville. I moved her into their Memory Care Unit on October 6.
I try to be with her as often as I can because that is where I want to be. I have learned to make excuses to visit her when there are other things I should be doing. Our relationship is different each time I visit her. She tries to speak, but I seldom understand her. She knows me but rarely calls me by name. I often help her with eating because she doesn’t use the fork or spoon very well. She still wants to share her food with me but it is vegetables and not the ice cream that she used to share. She has trouble standing up and often rocks back and forth in her chair to gain a little altitude on each rock until she can stand up. That is something that she has learned on her own. Maybe there is hope.
Ray spent her life helping others and tries to help the nurses, but doesn’t know how. I cry when I see that she no longer has the skills to help others. She would love to be around children, but I can’t think of a way that is possible. There may be someone who has an idea.
I often expect her to be at my bedside when I get up and miss her when she is not there. I think about bringing her home, but reality sets in when I have to admit to myself that she is not coming home.
Should you want to visit her, the Memory Care Unit is open 24/7. The entrance is on the west side and she is normally in the recreation area of the east wing. Fortunately, I took videos of her and her family during our marriage with the intention of sharing it with her children and grandchildren. But no! I have shown video clips of her to her with the hope of reminding her of our past. Staff members have viewed these videos and they are amazed that the videos that they are seeing of Ray are the same Ray that they see today. I would appreciate it if you would share with the staff the wonderful experiences that you had with her.
Ray had an office in our home and I am sorting through her material. Her office is an office of her dreams and many of them are school dreams. I am uncomfortable in burying these dreams and yet I must because I know that she can no longer realize them. She has shared her dreams with all of us and they are still living in our hearts. Should you want one of her dreams, please let me know and that will be one less dream that I have to burry.
Many have asked me about myself. I am happy but not sure why. I think I it may be because the staff and I are doing our best in a difficult situation. I am using this situation to help me grow. I observe the nursing home patients and realize how fortunate I am to have the skills that remain with me. I treasure the support that I am receiving from many friends like you. This is helping me to grow and provide a direction in my life. I must remain positive since being negative doesn’t do anyone any good. I have used Ken Keyes and his fourth and seventh pathways to help me get through this. You will find them on the internet. I am spending more time in prayer, in meditation and honoring Ray for the good times we had. I look forward to growing and welcome your ideas.
Kent
Do not ask me to remember.
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you.
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting.
Can’t be different ‘though I try.
Just remember I need you.
That the best of me is gone.
Please don’t fail to stand beside me.
Love me ‘til my life is done.
Unknown